She Calls Me Grandy — Ruby Lee Cornelius

An excerpt from my memoir - Choiceless: A Birthmother’s Story of Love, Loss, and Reunion

“Just as [my first daughter] and I were becoming acquainted, [Kerry} and her boyfriend came to me one Sunday afternoon to tell me they were expecting a baby. History repeating itself, I sat across the table from my own seventeen-year-old daughter and told her I would support her no matter what she chose…..Having walked in my little girl’s shoes, I realized for the first time that my losses, grief, and growth came together in that moment with a profound impact on her life and the life of her unborn child.”

When my relinquished daughter and I met in 1994, I learned for the first time that I was grandmother to the most adorable and precocious four-year-old girl. What incredible news for a 40-years-young woman! And, as is the ongoing reality in my story of loves lost and reunited, I experienced deep sadness on the heels of my joy. Not only had I missed the first 23 years of my first daughter’s life, but I was not there to share her joys as a young mother. I simply was not there.

And then I learned the daughter I had raised….my cheerleader….my friend….my joy….was pregnant at the age of seventeen. Because Kerry knew my history, she and her young man came to me in confidence to share their news. They resolved to stay together and to raise their child.

“Tears filled my eyes as I heard her boyfriend’s profession of love for her. Even though my adult mind fast-forwarded to problems I knew they would experience together, I was grateful for the support she was receiving from him, and for the support I was able to extend to them both.”

[Emma Rose] was born on November 1, 1994. I was the third person on the birthing team. I had attended all of the classes, and in the wee hours of this morning, I sat with Mom and Dad until we arrived at the hospital at 5:30. I was right there — at my daughter’s side — comforting, laughing, and holding her hand, right up until we saw the perfect face of our new, baby girl.

As time went on, the young family moved in with me. My son was in college at the time, and we all lived together in 1,100 square feet, sharing one bathroom and making it work. Sadly, the young parents found they could not bridge their differences, and Dad moved out. Single at the time, I worked at my marketing position, while Kerry stayed home and took care of her daughter and tended to household chores. I looked forward to coming home from the office or business trip, swooping up my granddaughter, and stealing her away to my tiny bedroom. There, I would turn on some music and swirl her around, singing and dancing. Sometimes we would sit side-by-side on the piano bench, pounding out a joyful tune. Other times were for snuggling on the couch and reading. To my great joy, Emma dubbed me with my most prized name……Grandy!

When I eventually re-married, and my daughter began her own independent life, I hoped I had given her a solid jumping off place, and she knew she would always have my loving support. Kerry married, and when Emma was six-years-old she became big brother to Jacob.

Today, Emma Rose turns twenty-five! We have all experienced a great, big chunk of perfect and imperfect life in this quarter century. Emma grew up with a large, supportive family: Loving parents and LOTS of grandparents in our blended gaggle of divorced and re-married adults. She always had the biggest cheering section at every childhood event, from dance and guitar recitals to her ongoing performances as a singer-songwriter. When she was diagnosed with type-1 Diabetes at the age of eleven, we all traveled whatever distances necessary to cram ourselves into her hospital room, and we held each other up. When she grew up and fell in love, we welcomed Chase into our lives, and yes — he too, calls me Grandy!

At a recent reading of my memoir, Kerry, Emma and I had a tearful conversation of awareness and wonder. If I had not known the pain of relinquishing a child to adoption — of a later-in-life reunion that both thrilled me and left me bereaved by the lost time and opportunities — would I have been able to offer Kerry the support that I had. Kerry is an amazing mother to both of her children. She is an incredible daughter to me. And Emma? Emma is simply the most kind, smart, witty, beautiful and delightful person I know.

The yin and the yang. The happy and the sad. The joy and the sorrow. I may never find peace or self-forgiveness for having given into the pressures to surrender my first child, but I will not shun the joy and serenity that are the rewards of my second chance.

Happy birthday, Emma Rose! I love you forever!