God Danced the Day You Were Born: A First Mother's Prayer

An excerpt from my memoir - Choiceless: A Birthmother’s Story of Love, Loss & Reunion

“I had an odd mixture of excitement and worry. I was somewhat eager to go home, to see Kenny, to start over. But, I was also starkly aware that the beginning of Ryanne’s life was really the end of my relationship with her. She would go away within a few days, and I would be alone. She had been my constant companion for the past many months. My parents rejected me, Kenny refused to marry me, and my boss fired me. Ryanne’s presence within me — my body nurturing her little body —had given my life purpose through it all. I had no idea how I was going to go on without her, especially now that I had seen her beautiful face.”

Today is my daughter’s 49th birthday. From her first birthday to her 22nd birthday, I could only whisper a wish into the Universe, praying she would know—that her mother would know—that another mom was out there somewhere smiling through burning tears, wondering—always wondering—Is she OK? Is she happy? Is she loved?

But, on March 3, 1994, six weeks following our first phone conversation, this first mother picked up the phone and called her first-born child. “Happy birthday, my beautiful daughter. God danced the day you were born.” And, for 25 years, I called, I sang, I sent cards and gifts. For 25 years I embraced the miracle of my reunion with my little-girl-grown-woman.

And then—she changed her mind. My daughter decided our relationship needed to end. I don’t know why. Perhaps it is just my turn to feel the rejection she tells me was hers to bear all the years of her life. Perhaps it is just too painful to know me now, when she didn’t know me then. Perhaps she just plain doesn’t like me. I just don’t know.

But just as she had no choice in her adoption, I have no recourse in her choice.

So, I wait. I weep. I wish. I regret. I love.

Today I will call her mother—the woman who raised her, and who welcomed me into her life and into her family, and I will try once again to find the words that will express the depth of my gratitude. I will reach out to my granddaughter and to my great-granddaughter, in absolute joy for the place they hold for me in their lives.

Today I will thank my youngest daughter for her loving support and understanding—for her friendship and her delightful sense of humor; and for her representation of all that is right in the world. I will reach out to her young, adult children—my grandchildren—and tell them that I love them. I will thank my partner for his love, and for holding me in the middle of many nights, until the last tear has fallen.

And, into the Universe I will whisper…..I love you forever, baby girl. God danced the day you were born.