Adoption: The Lies Behind the Truth

An excerpt from my memoir - Choiceless: A Birthmother’s Story of Love, Loss, and Reunion

“…..I took a business trip to the area where {my daughter’s father} lived……..I called {him} as soon as I arrived, and we got together. The moment I saw him, he told me I hadn’t changed a bit. He had, but I kept those thoughts to myself. He was shorter than I remembered and had grown thicker in middle age. His hairline had moved back considerably….We talked late into the night. I gave him photos of his daughter and granddaughter that he kept staring at as we talked. We talked about our past. When I asked him why he never had children, he replied, “How could I after what I did to you and {our daughter}?”

The rest of the words we exchanged that night lie on the editing room floor. The publisher was concerned about liable. My editor cautioned me…..too much truth can cause additional harm. The memoir was forty-five years in the making, and I just wanted it to be done. I pondered the options, and I guessed at the outcome. Yes, some of these facts could cause additional pain to my daughter, but didn’t she have the right to hear what he had said?

Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?

Yes, the rest of the story is true. He said it matter-of-factly and seemingly without remorse. I was shocked. I was hurt. And, I was saddened by what he shared. We had been in communication with each other for 25 years, and this was the first I had heard of the rest of his story. He is gone now, and I am left holding his truth.

Is it necessary? My editor and I debated, and in the end, I gave in. Surely, a trained professional knows best. I paid this person to guide me, and she had a valid point. Perhaps it wasn’t necessary to share truths that had no chance of changing the past, but every chance of negatively impacting the here, the now and the future.

Is it kind? Ah. This is the tough one. Will the truth really set us free? As this story continues to unfold, this truth may have set me free. But, I chose to protect the others, and although that decision has backfired on me, the innocent one remains ignorant and one of the guilty ones has been absolved.

I lie awake nights wrestling with these questions. Yes, I am holding and hiding some truths. But, I am not willing to risk the consequences of exposing them now. This one thing I know: We will support whichever belief temporarily stops the pain. If the truth is tearing us apart, then the next story, real or imagined, can possibly salve the wounds.

It may be the truth, but just for today, sharing it feels neither necessary nor kind.