Love, Loss, Reunion and the Unknown

An excerpt from my memoir - Choiceless: A Birthmother’s Story of Love, Loss, and Reunion

“The door opened, and there she was! I stepped in, reached out and pulled her to me. Tears slid down my cheeks as I whispered into her ear, “I have waited for this for so long.” From the first time I spoke to her on the phone, up to and including this very day, I have never been able to find the words to describe the soul-body experience of that moment. There are no words. There are deep, abiding feelings—feelings that are ever-changing and often too big to hold. There are feelings of love, loss, guilt, shame, confusion, happiness, gratitude, fear, doubt, anger and sometimes despair. But, on that first-meeting-day—the day I held my firstborn in my arms again after more than twenty-three years of separation—there was only joy.”

Today marks the 27th anniversary of our in-person reunion. Like every aspect of this once-in-a-lifetime relationship, there was no way to prepare us for how it will feel. No class, no tutor, no playbook or script. Just one, giant leap from the darkness of loss and profound sadness into the light of the unknown, with a dash of hope.

We have done our best in an untenable situation. We have shared both joys and sorrows. We have talked for hours, laughing together and learning from each other. And, we have broken each other’s hearts. Currently, we are separated by a chasm of confusion and misunderstanding. The path between us is cluttered with obstacles from the past: unfair truths and dirty, little rumors. The present is obstructed by our inabilities to relate to each other’s pain. I can’t know what it is like to go through life feeling rejected by the one person who was supposed to love and protect her. Likewise, my daughter can’t possibly understand how it feels to be the last person standing to shoulder the blame.

I wonder…..Is there a magical key that could open our minds and our hearts to each other? Once opened, could we reach inside and touch each other’s pain and hold each other’s hurts? Could we side-step the past and all of its messy debris?

My dear daughter, I thank you for making space for me in your life. I thank you for the gift of a loving granddaughter and a delightful great-granddaughter. I am grateful to have met your family, and been befriended by your mother. I love you forever.