A Unique Relationship: A Mother and an Adopted Daughter

An excerpt from my memoir - Choiceless: A Birthmother’s Story of Love, Loss & Reunion

“Along with all of the excitement, love, commitment and promise, this relationship stands alone in its uniqueness. There is none other like it in my life experience. This is the beloved child I birthed but did not raise. I did not experience her first smile, first tooth, first word, or first step. I did not hold her through the night when she had a fever or a bad dream. I did not walk her to school on her first day. I didn’t bake special birthday cakes for her or craft her Halloween costumes. The past is unchangeable, and to live in regret of it is to carry its mistakes and lost opportunities forward. Once reunited, I intuitively knew that the best thing to do was to live each and every new day in joyful celebration of the miracle of my second chance with (her).”

Our relationship has ebbed, flowed and fallen on the occasional hefty rock. Currently, there is a chasm between us. With no communication or response from her for several months, I am left to my own imagination. I cannot bridge the gap that I don’t understand. So, I give her space, and I keep my heart and mind open.

I missed the first 23 years of her life, but have had the joy of knowing her for the past 25. I am grateful. I know her face, her voice and her laughter. I know the mother who raised her, and many of her seven siblings. I have been in the home she grew up in. I know her husband. And, to my great delight, I know my granddaughter, who is now pregnant with my first great-grandchild!

I have no understanding of my daughter’s life as a mixed-race, adopted child who was raised in a Caucasian family and community. I cannot relate to her deep feelings of rejection. I cannot relate to her experiences of racism. I can only love her.

And, I can hope for reconciliation.